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[23 Mar 2016|03:38pm]
Just pissed in cup. Waiting for the doc.

Worried and alone,as usual.
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[23 Mar 2016|10:36am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'm struggling to keep my word.

I went too long having both.

I want both of them.

I know I am crazy for even thinking it.

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[22 Mar 2016|03:29pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

My head is betraying me.

I keep looking for him. I know I did this. I made this choice.

It hurts far more...

My phone goes off and I hope it's him. I don't care if he is mad or angry. If he has horrible hurtful things to say. I just want him to acknowledge me in some way.

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[22 Mar 2016|07:15am]
[ mood | sad ]

I miss you

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[21 Mar 2016|07:24pm]
[ mood | numb ]

What have I done...

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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! [20 Dec 2015|09:28pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

I truly don't feel festive.

I don't really feel myself. I feel like I'm walking in shoes that don't fit. I feel like I'm drawing further and further from me while I try harder and harder to hold on.

I'm not sure exactly what's going within me. I have different avenues I've been exploring and while I have genuine feelings and goals, I don't know if I really have the strength to finalize it all.

Sometimes, I hope I wake up and everything is just a dream. A wonderful lovely dream. Other times, I wish I could just let go.

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2012... [29 Dec 2012|02:53pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

What are some of the events that took place in 2012?

My daughter moved back to Oklahoma. Grant you she still lives over 200 miles away but she is closer than Idaho.

I got promoted from part time to full time and managed to get two raises as well.

We bought a new car.

My brother and I are ending the year fighting.

A very dear cousin passed away unexpectedly.

A very close and dear friend was killed in an accident at work who was married to my best friend.

I'm dealing with a lot of loss and sadness.

I'm trying to look on the bright side of life... sometimes, that isn't so easy.

I've stopped posting on forums altogether.

Our (Hubby and I share one now) facebook account is family and close friends only. People that actually talk to me on a regular basis versus people that just stalk me to talk shit later on.

I still play wow. Probably will keep that up a wee bit longer.

My mom is in bad health and progressively getting worse.

Hubby and I are doing pretty good as a couple and as friends.

There's so much in me that is changing. My feelings. My outlook. My heart.

Life is truly a waste if you spend your time bitching about things that make no difference or do not remove the things from your path that make you unhappy.

There is so much that has happened this past year that could have me in deep depression wilting away within myself.

I truly chose to engage life and enjoy it. The good in life will be lost if someone doesn't take the time to see it and seize it.

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Rub [12 Nov 2011|02:08pm]
1 lb salt
1 oz black pepper
1 oz cumin
1/2 oz red pepper
1/2 oz paprika
1/2 oz garlic powder
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Dilemma [13 Jul 2011|08:31am]
I can't decide if I'm growing more closed minded or if people are just becoming more crazy.
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[16 May 2011|11:32am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

If for some reason this is deleted, I received notification that it would be. Been told it won't be because it is a paid account. I'm hoping the notification was a glitch and I'm being pissy for no reason.

Hate that I may be causing undo stress to the powers that be but this is very disturbing to me because while I may not post like I once did, there are things here I want to keep indefinitely hence the reason I paid for it. I understand database lose but to come right now and wipe me out intentionally is an entirely different thing.

Going back to my corner to keep from causing problems.

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[18 Mar 2011|01:23pm]
Today... I'm more a burden.

I hate that I end up taking the innocent down with my failures.
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[07 Dec 2010|11:13pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I'm old enough to know that nothing goes according to plan. However, as adult as I am... it still hurts and I want to cry cause I did have my hopes up. I miss my kid. I just can't help that.

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Death and Dying... [22 Nov 2010|08:25am]
[ mood | grateful ]

I have had a lot of classmates contact me in the past year or so. Why? They are suffering from liver diseases or other rare forms diseases that can't be fixed. A few of them might live longer with a liver transplant but the odds are staggeringly low.

While they played a huge part of my life growing up and I will always cherish those memories... I have to wonder why one would travel so far back in their past to contact someone that might not have the same feelings or even remember some of the things they do? Perhaps they felt a person had a huge impact on their lives and needed to voice it, revisit it or simply go down memory lane. I truly have no clue.

I've been through a lot of very intense hard times but none of them truly tested my mortality so I can only wonder and guess at the people I might want to speak to from past encounters. My grandpa still ranks number one then Janine. Both long gone from this world.

It makes me feel cold and selfish to a point not to have this long list of people I would want to contact and have these moments of revelation with... but then again, perhaps I worked all that out with them when I knew them best so I have no regrets or words left unsaid. I hope that is it and I hope I never truly have to find out.

I look at it this way.. I am the person I am today because of ALL the people that have come into my life in any fashion whether it be in person or virtually. Whether it be from hard lessons, fits of giggles or mistakes... a piece of me was transformed and molded from all those moments.

There are a few people that I would love to see again from my present life because they bring me such joy, laughter and a heart engulfed with love. I'm pretty sure I would want to live my life making new memories rather than sifting through past memories. I would hope my last moments was giving a smile or giving a moment of laughter to someone I love or a complete stranger.

I also hope that no one ever feels like they have anything left unsaid to me. I can honestly say with out flinching that I can not think of one person that has come into my life that I haven't loved and shared laughter with.

And with that... go commando! You know you want too!

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Mute [31 Oct 2010|12:51am]
I've not have much to say lately or at all. I'm storing it all in the vault in hopes that it will all just go away or magically get better without acknowledging it's even there, happening or the monster in the room.

I'm not proud of me in any respect. I'm just tired and I find myself wondering more often than not about what is the point to all this madness. Is there one?

I'm on sabbatical from all things. I want that genie... I want three wishes. I might come back to myself when that happens. During the meantime, Ginger's checking out of her cage.
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First Christmas without her... [22 Dec 2009|01:32pm]

Without my daughter.  She is all married and living far away being all grown up. Responsible and adult-like.

Me? I'm trying not to think about her not being here and I'm not trying to think about it being Christmas either.

How?  Well, it's not very fucking easy.  I can assure you of that with constant reminders.

If I could just stay home, under the covers, till... I don't know... March? I think everything will be okay.
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What a loverly life... [15 Nov 2009|03:37pm]
My knee hurts like a lot. It feels as though it's going to pop out of socket again at any given time. Everything seems to be breaking or something.

I sometimes wonder why I bother to even have these emotions. I truly wish I could cut my heart out.
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Oddness [19 Oct 2009|09:29am]
It's weird how people grow apart.  It happens to us all.  We find that we grow closer or further away from some people.  Some times those relationships just stay the same regardless of time or space.  Some times they just seem awkward and uncomfortable.

I often wonder why there's an effort to continue a relationship that truly has no significance or has reached complete stagnation.  This can be marriage or friendship.  It's like there isn't any common ground and communication is not even present.  Are both parties hoping that something will spark an interest again?

I've noticed in my life that sometimes the stagnation can be something you can control in some instances.  It takes little to no effort to rekindle a spark or find something that draws you back to someone you once adored.  However, if that person is not receptive to your efforts... it's a failed effort regardless of your wishes.

Some relationships are just better left untouched.  If it wasn't a healthy transaction before, chances are it won't be now either. Misunderstandings or conflicts of views often distance people as well.  I've always been a firm believer that my beliefs are what makes me who I am and what makes the people I adore who they are.  I do my best not to judge people by what they believe if it is not the same as I.

I'm right when I make my choices even if someone believes I'm wrong... I'm right.  Every mistake we make makes us who we are and strengths our core person.  So to hold my decisions or beliefs against me is truly not embracing me as I am.

I am what you see and I'm so much you don't see.  I have layers that even I have yet to visit and become one with as do you.

What sparked this?  I realized that as much as I care and feel a connection with someone, I truly don't know them.  How can I?  How can anyone?

I know habits and reactions to certain situations but I do not know the actual thoughts that go through anyone's mind.  I only know what I'm allowed access to when I'm told or if it is expressed physically.

I know from my own experience, I can say and do one thing but think something entirely different.  We all do this so... do we truly know anyone?  No, is my conclusion.

I'm truly a stranger.
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39 Years Experience [16 Aug 2009|11:11am]
I sit here and wonder. Thirty-nine years is a long time. It's a lot longer than I thought I'd ever see. I recall thinking back in my younger days that I would blow the end out of each day and look back with no remorse. Some where along the way that all changed.

From birth to nineteen, I was learning the basic skills for survival. Cooking, cleaning, reading, writing, counting... the foundations that get you through society. Then came the roller coaster of the heart. I had three huge losses during that time.

The first was my grandpa. The person that taught me the most about life and how life should be lived. He was the only man in my life that ever truly seen me as I am and he will be the only one that will. Losing him left a huge whole in my heart.

The second was my best friend Janine. She was killed in a car accident. I often wonder why I wasn't with her. I was suppose to be. She and I had plans that day. I recall saying good-bye to her the night before at the football game. At least I got to tell her I loved her.

The third was my childhood. I became a mother. It was the most frightened I've ever been in my life. To have a little person to be held accountable for, I can't describe to you in words how much I wanted to succeed and be the right person she needed in her life.

From twenty to twenty-nine, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to parent and do it correctly. Men weren't really a priority at all. Going to school and finding a stable form of income for us was my main concern. I refused to be one of those women that got married or knocked up again to catch a man to take care of her. Nope, I could and would handle it.

Those years were quite possibly where I learned the most about myself and what is truly important to make it in life. I did do some dating during that time but when it come down to it my daughter was always first and no one else could surpass that position. Becoming a mother was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

From thirty to thirty-eight, I spent those years being self-sacrificing. I don't know what exactly spurred on that roll in my life but it happened. It could have been my motherly instincts taking control and relating to everyone in that aspect. It could have been that I felt as if I was undeserving or that others were just more important than myself. I've spent those years trying to find out where I went wrong.

I believe in my heart of hearts I've acted like anyone else would but I know not everyone sees the world through their heart. I've done the right things and I've done the wrong things. I could have handled things differently but I didn't. It's been a whirl wind of chaos that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

As I embark up my thirty-ninth year of experiences, I wonder what it's going to encumber. I've raised the greatest child in the world. I've helped when others wouldn't. I've spent more time giving than receiving.

So I look at this upcoming year as my pivotal point. It's time to stop putting myself out there for others to pick to pieces and take care of me. It's time to work toward my dreams, my stars, my rainbows.

I laugh because in my head I'm already telling myself it's too late. I've lost so much valuable time. When in my heart, it says it's NEVER too late. My heart wins. It always has, it always will.

I won't' be going around hollering, "Towanda!" or driving off the grand canyon in a blaze of glory.. but when the time comes, I'm going to look back at this day and know it was the day I became more important to me than anyone else.

Tomorrow the 39th year begins... Carpe Diem.

YouTube - Dead Poet's Society - Carpe Diem
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[03 Aug 2009|09:46pm]
I have no idea what the hell is going on. lol

Just when I think I have a grasp on it. It's not anything I thought.  I'm debating.  However, I'm not sure I should even respond.
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[03 Aug 2009|03:48pm]
Okay, this is above ridiculous and I can't even believe how worried I was... it won't happen again. I can assure you.
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