| Rub |
[12 Nov 2011|02:08pm] |
1 lb salt
1 oz black pepper
1 oz cumin
1/2 oz red pepper
1/2 oz paprika
1/2 oz garlic powder
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| Dilemma |
[13 Jul 2011|08:31am] |
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I can't decide if I'm growing more closed minded or if people are just becoming more crazy.
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[16 May 2011|11:32am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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If for some reason this is deleted, I received notification that it would be. Been told it won't be because it is a paid account. I'm hoping the notification was a glitch and I'm being pissy for no reason.
Hate that I may be causing undo stress to the powers that be but this is very disturbing to me because while I may not post like I once did, there are things here I want to keep indefinitely hence the reason I paid for it. I understand database lose but to come right now and wipe me out intentionally is an entirely different thing.
Going back to my corner to keep from causing problems.
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[18 Mar 2011|01:23pm] |
Today... I'm more a burden.
I hate that I end up taking the innocent down with my failures.
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[07 Dec 2010|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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I'm old enough to know that nothing goes according to plan. However, as adult as I am... it still hurts and I want to cry cause I did have my hopes up. I miss my kid. I just can't help that.
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| Death and Dying... |
[22 Nov 2010|08:25am] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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I have had a lot of classmates contact me in the past year or so. Why? They are suffering from liver diseases or other rare forms diseases that can't be fixed. A few of them might live longer with a liver transplant but the odds are staggeringly low.
While they played a huge part of my life growing up and I will always cherish those memories... I have to wonder why one would travel so far back in their past to contact someone that might not have the same feelings or even remember some of the things they do? Perhaps they felt a person had a huge impact on their lives and needed to voice it, revisit it or simply go down memory lane. I truly have no clue.
I've been through a lot of very intense hard times but none of them truly tested my mortality so I can only wonder and guess at the people I might want to speak to from past encounters. My grandpa still ranks number one then Janine. Both long gone from this world.
It makes me feel cold and selfish to a point not to have this long list of people I would want to contact and have these moments of revelation with... but then again, perhaps I worked all that out with them when I knew them best so I have no regrets or words left unsaid. I hope that is it and I hope I never truly have to find out.
I look at it this way.. I am the person I am today because of ALL the people that have come into my life in any fashion whether it be in person or virtually. Whether it be from hard lessons, fits of giggles or mistakes... a piece of me was transformed and molded from all those moments.
There are a few people that I would love to see again from my present life because they bring me such joy, laughter and a heart engulfed with love. I'm pretty sure I would want to live my life making new memories rather than sifting through past memories. I would hope my last moments was giving a smile or giving a moment of laughter to someone I love or a complete stranger.
I also hope that no one ever feels like they have anything left unsaid to me. I can honestly say with out flinching that I can not think of one person that has come into my life that I haven't loved and shared laughter with.
And with that... go commando! You know you want too!
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| Mute |
[31 Oct 2010|12:51am] |
I've not have much to say lately or at all. I'm storing it all in the vault in hopes that it will all just go away or magically get better without acknowledging it's even there, happening or the monster in the room.
I'm not proud of me in any respect. I'm just tired and I find myself wondering more often than not about what is the point to all this madness. Is there one?
I'm on sabbatical from all things. I want that genie... I want three wishes. I might come back to myself when that happens. During the meantime, Ginger's checking out of her cage.
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| First Christmas without her... |
[22 Dec 2009|01:32pm] |
Yes.
Without my daughter. She is all married and living far away being all grown up. Responsible and adult-like.
Me? I'm trying not to think about her not being here and I'm not trying to think about it being Christmas either.
How? Well, it's not very fucking easy. I can assure you of that with constant reminders.
If I could just stay home, under the covers, till... I don't know... March? I think everything will be okay.
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| What a loverly life... |
[15 Nov 2009|03:37pm] |
My knee hurts like a lot. It feels as though it's going to pop out of socket again at any given time. Everything seems to be breaking or something.
I sometimes wonder why I bother to even have these emotions. I truly wish I could cut my heart out.
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| Oddness |
[19 Oct 2009|09:29am] |
It's weird how people grow apart. It happens to us all. We find that we grow closer or further away from some people. Some times those relationships just stay the same regardless of time or space. Some times they just seem awkward and uncomfortable.
I often wonder why there's an effort to continue a relationship that truly has no significance or has reached complete stagnation. This can be marriage or friendship. It's like there isn't any common ground and communication is not even present. Are both parties hoping that something will spark an interest again?
I've noticed in my life that sometimes the stagnation can be something you can control in some instances. It takes little to no effort to rekindle a spark or find something that draws you back to someone you once adored. However, if that person is not receptive to your efforts... it's a failed effort regardless of your wishes.
Some relationships are just better left untouched. If it wasn't a healthy transaction before, chances are it won't be now either. Misunderstandings or conflicts of views often distance people as well. I've always been a firm believer that my beliefs are what makes me who I am and what makes the people I adore who they are. I do my best not to judge people by what they believe if it is not the same as I.
I'm right when I make my choices even if someone believes I'm wrong... I'm right. Every mistake we make makes us who we are and strengths our core person. So to hold my decisions or beliefs against me is truly not embracing me as I am.
I am what you see and I'm so much you don't see. I have layers that even I have yet to visit and become one with as do you.
What sparked this? I realized that as much as I care and feel a connection with someone, I truly don't know them. How can I? How can anyone?
I know habits and reactions to certain situations but I do not know the actual thoughts that go through anyone's mind. I only know what I'm allowed access to when I'm told or if it is expressed physically.
I know from my own experience, I can say and do one thing but think something entirely different. We all do this so... do we truly know anyone? No, is my conclusion.
I'm truly a stranger.
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| 39 Years Experience |
[16 Aug 2009|11:11am] |
I sit here and wonder. Thirty-nine years is a long time. It's a lot longer than I thought I'd ever see. I recall thinking back in my younger days that I would blow the end out of each day and look back with no remorse. Some where along the way that all changed.
From birth to nineteen, I was learning the basic skills for survival. Cooking, cleaning, reading, writing, counting... the foundations that get you through society. Then came the roller coaster of the heart. I had three huge losses during that time.
The first was my grandpa. The person that taught me the most about life and how life should be lived. He was the only man in my life that ever truly seen me as I am and he will be the only one that will. Losing him left a huge whole in my heart.
The second was my best friend Janine. She was killed in a car accident. I often wonder why I wasn't with her. I was suppose to be. She and I had plans that day. I recall saying good-bye to her the night before at the football game. At least I got to tell her I loved her.
The third was my childhood. I became a mother. It was the most frightened I've ever been in my life. To have a little person to be held accountable for, I can't describe to you in words how much I wanted to succeed and be the right person she needed in her life.
From twenty to twenty-nine, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to parent and do it correctly. Men weren't really a priority at all. Going to school and finding a stable form of income for us was my main concern. I refused to be one of those women that got married or knocked up again to catch a man to take care of her. Nope, I could and would handle it.
Those years were quite possibly where I learned the most about myself and what is truly important to make it in life. I did do some dating during that time but when it come down to it my daughter was always first and no one else could surpass that position. Becoming a mother was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
From thirty to thirty-eight, I spent those years being self-sacrificing. I don't know what exactly spurred on that roll in my life but it happened. It could have been my motherly instincts taking control and relating to everyone in that aspect. It could have been that I felt as if I was undeserving or that others were just more important than myself. I've spent those years trying to find out where I went wrong.
I believe in my heart of hearts I've acted like anyone else would but I know not everyone sees the world through their heart. I've done the right things and I've done the wrong things. I could have handled things differently but I didn't. It's been a whirl wind of chaos that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
As I embark up my thirty-ninth year of experiences, I wonder what it's going to encumber. I've raised the greatest child in the world. I've helped when others wouldn't. I've spent more time giving than receiving.
So I look at this upcoming year as my pivotal point. It's time to stop putting myself out there for others to pick to pieces and take care of me. It's time to work toward my dreams, my stars, my rainbows.
I laugh because in my head I'm already telling myself it's too late. I've lost so much valuable time. When in my heart, it says it's NEVER too late. My heart wins. It always has, it always will.
I won't' be going around hollering, "Towanda!" or driving off the grand canyon in a blaze of glory.. but when the time comes, I'm going to look back at this day and know it was the day I became more important to me than anyone else.
Tomorrow the 39th year begins... Carpe Diem.
YouTube - Dead Poet's Society - Carpe Diem
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[03 Aug 2009|09:46pm] |
I have no idea what the hell is going on. lol
Just when I think I have a grasp on it. It's not anything I thought. I'm debating. However, I'm not sure I should even respond.
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[03 Aug 2009|03:48pm] |
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Okay, this is above ridiculous and I can't even believe how worried I was... it won't happen again. I can assure you.
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[03 Aug 2009|06:59am] |
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It would seem it is me after all.
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| 6 days |
[03 Aug 2009|06:47am] |
and no word.
absence makes the heart grow fonder? or in my case, crazier.
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[02 Aug 2009|06:54pm] |
Just watched the The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep. It was a feel good story. Plus the handyman (Ben Chaplin) reminded me of another Handy. *sigh*
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| I loathe shopping |
[02 Aug 2009|04:32pm] |
Went to the store to get some grub. This man was staring at my tits the entire time I was in the damn store. It was like every aisle I went down, he was there and ogling Thelma and Louise. Then I got to thinking about it and yeah... I had on a flimsy bra rather than the practical one that keeps those two unnoticeable. So I suppose it was sort of my fault for letting the girls tease the eyes but damn, he could have been a little more subtle!
And it's freaking hot! The little sacker girl that took my groceries to the car and I have kindred spirits. We love winter and snow. I need a tub full of ice.
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| I wanna do bad things with you. |
[02 Aug 2009|12:06pm] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Umr7l0Jd4yI
When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
When you came in the air went out.
And all those shadows there filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
Ow, ooh.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
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| Midnight Rider |
[02 Aug 2009|11:58am] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EkJRy3gIS4
I showered last night and jumped in the truck. It was my intention to do some midnight moonlight driving no where particular till dawn. However, my plans never take shape the way I see them in my head. He came along and pretty much irritatedme the entire time.
So many things came to me that I didn't realize. One... I'm mentally repressed. Two... I long for intelligent conversation. Three... I'm the reason none of those things are available to me and so much more.
I have joined myself with someone that just doesn't get me and won't ever. I feed off of people I work with and people I've never met to try to fulfill those needs but I'm just left starving at the end of the day. Incomplete.
I see glass. He seen slick. Slick? Really.
It isn't an opposite thing. At one time, perhaps. Now, it's more comprehension. Something that's not his fault nor mine... just a result of things we couldn't control.
Rolling down the windows and breathing the air after a nice rain. Seeing deer in the wild... hearing the fish flop in the water... it all seemed so clear.
I woke with a story on the tip of my mind. A scene from something that is swelling inside me. It's dark, very dark. I still haven't put words to it. Sometimes my best stories never hit the page. They play out so fluidly in my head. I sometimes complicate them when applying words.
If there were a way to just take the images, feelings and scenes from my head then apply them, I would have gotten much further than I have.
I look around me and see chaos. I've let the outside reflect the inner. I no longer keep a visible front. When did that stop?
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[01 Aug 2009|09:00pm] |
Watched The Mist it wasn't bad. The monsters were a bit too sci-fi for it to be very believable for me. However, the psychological dementia of the characters was very spell binding.
Also watched Old Boy a while back. I would recommend it. Highly. If you like foreign films.
Watched Perfect Stranger few nights back and it had a very interesting twist at the end. Not bad, sorta meh but overall okay.
"Becoming Jane".  I need to insert "chick flick". The story was interesting though.
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