| What a loverly life... |
[15 Nov 2009|03:37pm] |
My knee hurts like a lot. It feels as though it's going to pop out of socket again at any given time. Everything seems to be breaking or something.
I sometimes wonder why I bother to even have these emotions. I truly wish I could cut my heart out.
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| Oddness |
[19 Oct 2009|09:29am] |
It's weird how people grow apart. It happens to us all. We find that we grow closer or further away from some people. Some times those relationships just stay the same regardless of time or space. Some times they just seem awkward and uncomfortable.
I often wonder why there's an effort to continue a relationship that truly has no significance or has reached complete stagnation. This can be marriage or friendship. It's like there isn't any common ground and communication is not even present. Are both parties hoping that something will spark an interest again?
I've noticed in my life that sometimes the stagnation can be something you can control in some instances. It takes little to no effort to rekindle a spark or find something that draws you back to someone you once adored. However, if that person is not receptive to your efforts... it's a failed effort regardless of your wishes.
Some relationships are just better left untouched. If it wasn't a healthy transaction before, chances are it won't be now either. Misunderstandings or conflicts of views often distance people as well. I've always been a firm believer that my beliefs are what makes me who I am and what makes the people I adore who they are. I do my best not to judge people by what they believe if it is not the same as I.
I'm right when I make my choices even if someone believes I'm wrong... I'm right. Every mistake we make makes us who we are and strengths our core person. So to hold my decisions or beliefs against me is truly not embracing me as I am.
I am what you see and I'm so much you don't see. I have layers that even I have yet to visit and become one with as do you.
What sparked this? I realized that as much as I care and feel a connection with someone, I truly don't know them. How can I? How can anyone?
I know habits and reactions to certain situations but I do not know the actual thoughts that go through anyone's mind. I only know what I'm allowed access to when I'm told or if it is expressed physically.
I know from my own experience, I can say and do one thing but think something entirely different. We all do this so... do we truly know anyone? No, is my conclusion.
I'm truly a stranger.
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| 39 Years Experience |
[16 Aug 2009|11:11am] |
I sit here and wonder. Thirty-nine years is a long time. It's a lot longer than I thought I'd ever see. I recall thinking back in my younger days that I would blow the end out of each day and look back with no remorse. Some where along the way that all changed.
From birth to nineteen, I was learning the basic skills for survival. Cooking, cleaning, reading, writing, counting... the foundations that get you through society. Then came the roller coaster of the heart. I had three huge losses during that time.
The first was my grandpa. The person that taught me the most about life and how life should be lived. He was the only man in my life that ever truly seen me as I am and he will be the only one that will. Losing him left a huge whole in my heart.
The second was my best friend Janine. She was killed in a car accident. I often wonder why I wasn't with her. I was suppose to be. She and I had plans that day. I recall saying good-bye to her the night before at the football game. At least I got to tell her I loved her.
The third was my childhood. I became a mother. It was the most frightened I've ever been in my life. To have a little person to be held accountable for, I can't describe to you in words how much I wanted to succeed and be the right person she needed in her life.
From twenty to twenty-nine, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to parent and do it correctly. Men weren't really a priority at all. Going to school and finding a stable form of income for us was my main concern. I refused to be one of those women that got married or knocked up again to catch a man to take care of her. Nope, I could and would handle it.
Those years were quite possibly where I learned the most about myself and what is truly important to make it in life. I did do some dating during that time but when it come down to it my daughter was always first and no one else could surpass that position. Becoming a mother was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
From thirty to thirty-eight, I spent those years being self-sacrificing. I don't know what exactly spurred on that roll in my life but it happened. It could have been my motherly instincts taking control and relating to everyone in that aspect. It could have been that I felt as if I was undeserving or that others were just more important than myself. I've spent those years trying to find out where I went wrong.
I believe in my heart of hearts I've acted like anyone else would but I know not everyone sees the world through their heart. I've done the right things and I've done the wrong things. I could have handled things differently but I didn't. It's been a whirl wind of chaos that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
As I embark up my thirty-ninth year of experiences, I wonder what it's going to encumber. I've raised the greatest child in the world. I've helped when others wouldn't. I've spent more time giving than receiving.
So I look at this upcoming year as my pivotal point. It's time to stop putting myself out there for others to pick to pieces and take care of me. It's time to work toward my dreams, my stars, my rainbows.
I laugh because in my head I'm already telling myself it's too late. I've lost so much valuable time. When in my heart, it says it's NEVER too late. My heart wins. It always has, it always will.
I won't' be going around hollering, "Towanda!" or driving off the grand canyon in a blaze of glory.. but when the time comes, I'm going to look back at this day and know it was the day I became more important to me than anyone else.
Tomorrow the 39th year begins... Carpe Diem.
YouTube - Dead Poet's Society - Carpe Diem
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[03 Aug 2009|09:46pm] |
I have no idea what the hell is going on. lol
Just when I think I have a grasp on it. It's not anything I thought. I'm debating. However, I'm not sure I should even respond.
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[03 Aug 2009|03:48pm] |
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Okay, this is above ridiculous and I can't even believe how worried I was... it won't happen again. I can assure you.
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[03 Aug 2009|06:59am] |
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It would seem it is me after all.
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| 6 days |
[03 Aug 2009|06:47am] |
and no word.
absence makes the heart grow fonder? or in my case, crazier.
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[02 Aug 2009|06:54pm] |
Just watched the The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep. It was a feel good story. Plus the handyman (Ben Chaplin) reminded me of another Handy. *sigh*
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| I loathe shopping |
[02 Aug 2009|04:32pm] |
Went to the store to get some grub. This man was staring at my tits the entire time I was in the damn store. It was like every aisle I went down, he was there and ogling Thelma and Louise. Then I got to thinking about it and yeah... I had on a flimsy bra rather than the practical one that keeps those two unnoticeable. So I suppose it was sort of my fault for letting the girls tease the eyes but damn, he could have been a little more subtle!
And it's freaking hot! The little sacker girl that took my groceries to the car and I have kindred spirits. We love winter and snow. I need a tub full of ice.
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| I wanna do bad things with you. |
[02 Aug 2009|12:06pm] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Umr7l0Jd4yI
When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
When you came in the air went out.
And all those shadows there filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
Ow, ooh.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
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| Midnight Rider |
[02 Aug 2009|11:58am] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EkJRy3gIS4
I showered last night and jumped in the truck. It was my intention to do some midnight moonlight driving no where particular till dawn. However, my plans never take shape the way I see them in my head. He came along and pretty much irritatedme the entire time.
So many things came to me that I didn't realize. One... I'm mentally repressed. Two... I long for intelligent conversation. Three... I'm the reason none of those things are available to me and so much more.
I have joined myself with someone that just doesn't get me and won't ever. I feed off of people I work with and people I've never met to try to fulfill those needs but I'm just left starving at the end of the day. Incomplete.
I see glass. He seen slick. Slick? Really.
It isn't an opposite thing. At one time, perhaps. Now, it's more comprehension. Something that's not his fault nor mine... just a result of things we couldn't control.
Rolling down the windows and breathing the air after a nice rain. Seeing deer in the wild... hearing the fish flop in the water... it all seemed so clear.
I woke with a story on the tip of my mind. A scene from something that is swelling inside me. It's dark, very dark. I still haven't put words to it. Sometimes my best stories never hit the page. They play out so fluidly in my head. I sometimes complicate them when applying words.
If there were a way to just take the images, feelings and scenes from my head then apply them, I would have gotten much further than I have.
I look around me and see chaos. I've let the outside reflect the inner. I no longer keep a visible front. When did that stop?
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[01 Aug 2009|09:00pm] |
Watched The Mist it wasn't bad. The monsters were a bit too sci-fi for it to be very believable for me. However, the psychological dementia of the characters was very spell binding.
Also watched Old Boy a while back. I would recommend it. Highly. If you like foreign films.
Watched Perfect Stranger few nights back and it had a very interesting twist at the end. Not bad, sorta meh but overall okay.
"Becoming Jane".  I need to insert "chick flick". The story was interesting though.
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[01 Aug 2009|06:17pm] |
Just watched Watchmen and Irreversible.
Watchmen wasn't bad. I actually liked it a lot.
Irreversible was okay. I didn't care for the swooshing of the camera. It made seasick.
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| The Unexplained |
[31 Jul 2009|08:42pm] |
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
When along came a spider
Sitting down beside her
Weaving a web around her head,
Lassoing her heart while seeking her bed.
Crazed with his charms,
She never listened for any alarms.
He felt like a glove,
For her heart ached for his love.
Out of no where he was gone much to her fear,
She looked here, there, every where for him to appear.
Day by day she came to the place the spider resided,
Hoping he would show once again where they confided.
Each day she left feeling much gloom and shame,
For his absence started to cause such pain.
How long should she wait?
These questions and more she had to contemplate.
With much thought and grief,
Many tears and no sight of relief...
She took a heavy breath,
The sigh of death.
She walked away confused,
Wondering if it were she or he that was misused.
She was abandoned a time before.
No word, no song, no sign... nothing more.
She knew with heaviness in her heart,
He had chosen to depart.
She lifted her chin,
Showing her perfected faux grin.
She resolved to remember the treasures they found,
In the times his web had her bound.
"Farewell, my love." her lips parted to say,
Looking to the heavens to find the unexplained had come again on this day.
By Miss Ginger
07/30/2009
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| Diluting Self |
[31 Jul 2009|08:21pm] |
I'm good at it. I'm a pro actually. I find I do it a lot anymore. I suppose it's to taint the things I'd rather not deal with or recall. Diluting to avoid? Hmmmm. Yes, I suppose so.
However, I find by doing this mere act I get myself in situations that I shouldn't be in to begin with. Feeling things I shouldn't and reacting in ways that are out of my character.
So by diluting, I'm tainting who I am. It would reason that by tainting self I would be losing sight of who I am and what I stand for. Compromising what I do need and what I shouldn't settle for. Am I truly that desperate? No. Am I truly that miserable? Some days, I would argue yes and others no.
How did it start? Why did it start? I believe all things happen for a reason. Was or is it to keep me sane? Should I continue or should I try to find the fix that would set me straight?
I look back at myself and try to see what others say they see. I can't. I look in the mirror and see a very horrible, disgusting person. I just think I wear a good mask and my self loathing is just tucked well beneath it all that others truly don't see the scum I truly am.
I have come to welcome those hateful things about myself though. I prefer to have them to fall back on rather than pretend I'm some saint that I'm not. It's those despicable qualities I have that has kept me from shoving knives in people and gouging out their eyes even though doing so wouldn't release me but it would stop the entrapment.
I suppose we all have a dark side we battle with or just embrace. I wonder if there is a way to truly take all the horrible things I'm truly ashamed of and make peace with them to where I feel a sense of resolution. I think this is where forgiveness and accepting imperfection comes to play.
I find the closer I become to someone, the further I withdraw for fear that they to will see those dark shadows I hold so tightly too. If they do see them, will they hurt me by running? I don't want to endure that... so I find excuses to shutdown and hold them at arms length. I know I do this and I can't stop myself.
But that just brings me back to where I was.
Diluting self.
Reaching for the ambrosia.
Finding a blanket of thorns.
Bleeding my soul.
Loathing the image.
Scratching at the lines.
Folding the layers.
Hiding the truth.
Draping needs in false enclosures.
Fighting to unmask the truth.
Running in fear.
Cowering to continue diluting.
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| I thought... |
[12 Jul 2009|09:47pm] |
about saying goodnight. I won't. I say too much already. I make you feel uncomfortable. I know. I shouldn't be so needy and greedy. I should let you be. I'm going to try and keep it simple.
Today, I will write it on my heart to stop beating and longing for you. I will embed it into my soul. Let it spread like a disease to numb me. My wants are selfish and undeserving.
I'm going to step us down to being what should be already. I never should have let this happen. It will be slight and right. I'm hoping you won't even notice.
I'm going to withdraw back into my shell of hell. Thank you for giving me light if only for a brief time. I will always love you for the love and kindness. I wish you well on the road you travel.
So my lips will never murmur those words anymore... I won't torturer you with them any longer.
Forgive me for being so selfish.
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| I shouldn't... |
[12 Jul 2009|09:05pm] |
I shouldn't...
speak these thoughts out loud
keep the breeze from carrying them into oblivion
toy and tease with fate as they dissipate.
dream of something that can't be
long for a place I'll never exist
grasp at the wind as those wishes descend.
fondle your mind and reach for your soul
claim a place I can never fill
be so weak with my desire that burns like fire.
want you.
wish for you.
hope I disappear in despair.
be here.
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| breathing... |
[11 Jun 2009|08:54am] |
When it rains, it pours. Doesn't it?
I have to keep that attitude that no matter what, things will get better eventually. My gut tells me it the last shoe hasn't fallen yet so I'm waiting for the climatic end. I'm really afraid of what exactly that's going to entail. My life issues seem to be more health related as I've grown older for me and my family.... so it is alarming me.
I still know nothing about my gall bladder issue because when I showed up to get my ultra sound done, they messed up my paperwork and it couldn't be done. Meh, such is my luck and I'm suppose to be naturally lucky according to the Leo sign. BAH!
I am being punished for enjoying the outdoors. I now have poison ivy all over my legs from mowing the yard and getting to close up in the bushes. I will have to remember less is more. My entire body itches though. I think it is psychosomatic.
I managed to hurt my left knee when I nearly fell in the bathroom getting out of the tub. I'm limping. It only hurts when I walk though. lol
My mom goes under the knife Friday. I'm concerned about that more than anything right now. I've been going by to see her off and on since she had the stroke and I'm slapped with the reality that my mom isn't the loud boisterous soul she once was that could take over the world in a day. She is small, frail and injured. My heart hurts.
My sister is going to hopefully swallow her pride and come Friday. I don't even want to get into her and her issues but I'm just happy she is trying.
My daughter is drawing again. She has been sending me all sorts of her creations and I'm very happy about that. It seems like she is finally coming out of her depression and finding her way in her new life. I'm so proud of her. She is the light in my life. The reason I breathe most days. My souls purpose for being on this planet. I hope she continues to explore and find her path as she has started going recently. She has much potential for greatness and as biased as I am about her being my daughter... I do see greatness in her beyond that parental bond.
I've been doing a lot of inward investigating lately. I'm not exactly happy with what I've found there... but overall I think I'm going pretty damn good considering.
I have so much I need to do by Friday it is unreal. One is working till I get all this stuff caught up. So, I best get my nose to the grindstone. It's going to be late tonight before I see a rest stop.
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| Monday moaning... |
[02 Mar 2009|08:48am] |
Don't even go there.
I know. I can't believe I'm even saying it myself. The big perv is not feeling pervy much these days. As a matter of fact, she is feeling less and less sexual as the days go by. I'm not sure if it's all the medications I'm on for diabetes, blood pressure and cholesterol but could be just by bits holding a mini-revolution because they want something better than a five second rub, lick and/or poke. I just dread sex anymore. I found myself trying to avoid it this weekend. *sigh* Oh, and yeah, he was actually seeking me out for once. I don't know what's up with that exactly either. He says it's because the kid is gone now. *shrugs* I think she took my sex drive with her to Idaho.
I miss my daughter and I'm tired of the man bad mouthing her all the time. There are times I wish he would just shoot me. I told him this weekend if he didn't shut up about all the damn complaining I was going to find a different place to sleep. She is in Idaho and he can't keep from bitching all the freaking time about her. SHUT UP already! DAMN!
Yeah, she left all her stuff here. NO she didn't do as I asked her to.... she should have packed up all her stuff and threw her trash away but she didn't. It's that simple. Complaining about it doesn't solve the issue. Christ.
My mother has let my stupid brother and his tramp of the month who has three kids move in with her. My great aunt lets me know that she is afraid my mother is going to stroke out before he moves out... I told her if he moves out. She wants me to talk to my mother or my brother about it because she is concerned. *sigh* Why is everyone's problems, MY problems? Hrmmm?
Anyways, I talked to my mother who did exactly what I thought she would do. She went on defensive and my brother is the messiah. He does no freaking wrong. What ever.
My sister is talking to me some nowadays. Why I'm not sure exactly. She never truly apologized to me or Rachel for her bullshit... but I had something she wanted. Her ex's phone number. I'm assuming she is pacifying me till she obtains all she wants as well.
I feel like I've surrounded myself with people that do nothing but suck the life out of me... even in my work place.
I remember a time in my life when I truly felt joy. I'd like to have that back... someday.
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| OH! |
[23 Feb 2009|09:23am] |
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AND>>>> I got my first tattoo on Valentine's day.
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